Duchess Beatrix

A rose by any other name…

I know it has been a while since I had The Butler post anything here. As I said before, I have far more important things to do then blather on about myself, no matter how much my loyal subjects (that’s you) expect and demand it.

For instance, as my last post revealed. I have been off in distant lands slaughtering the gutless hordes on diplomatic missions. Along these journeys, as I was welcomed by the throngs of well wishers and supporters (who I lovingly call “The Conquered”), I found that they bestowed upon me many titles and names. Therefore, I thought I would share these with you accompanied by hopelessly sweet and angelic photos of me!

Beatrix, Destroyer of Worlds

The Duchess of Destruction

Beatrix The Merciless

The Potentate of Pain

The Tiny Tyrant

Daughter Dearest

Saint Sabotage

Of course, I inherited all of the qualities that earn me such lofty names from my mother…

Princess Persuasion

Official Update on The Duchess from the Royal Office of Talking About Stuff

I have been very, very busy. As you will see, far too busy to take the time to be blathering on about myself here. That said, I know there are some of you, with far to much time on your hands, who insist that I do. Therefore, here is an update…

As Duchess, I am often asked to lend name and face to a variety of products and appear at promotional events. Here I am lending my face to a new restaurant that has opened in a neighboring hamlet.

I was not a big fan of the food but took a few bites to be kind.

We also attended the opening of The Royal Zoo with The Princess.

I was encouraged to interact with the animals for the cameras.

I was all well and fine with this until they made me ride a pony. It sounded like a good idea at first but as soon as I got on I knew it was not for me. I demanded immediate removal from the beast and ordered its destructions but, something must have gotten lost in translation and they MADE ME RIDE IT! Therefore, no pictures will be posted of this event.

Moving on…

Yet more promotional duties for the peanut butter industry…

The Rabbit Breeder Alliance…

And some strange new dance for three…

It has not all been hard work. I have spent lots of time outside in the sun, for which one must wear proper protection.

You’ve had enough now.

Bye-bye.

7 Random Things

According to The Butler, I have been “tagged” in a “meme” to post 7 random things about myself here. Most of what he said I don’t understand (words like “meme” are way too technical for me). I will play along to humor my adoring subjects who obviously have nothing better to fill their heads with.

1. Heckofalot is not a Kingdom. There is no King. Therefore, it is not a Kingdom. Nor, is it a Principality since there is no Prince either. There is also no Queen, unless you count the boys in the Rainbow District who refer to themselves as such. Heckofalot is simply a monarchy and The Princess and I are it’s Monarchs.

2. Unlike other monarchies, we do not grant knighthood to any random pop music star or captain of industry that wonders in the door (Britain I am looking at you). We take such titles seriously here. To become a knight in Heckofalot, I will beat you on the head with my scepter until you cry and beg me for a title. Not only will this prove you worthy but it also makes me giggle.

3. I was born with some minor heart issues. These are not serious enough to be concerned about and are completely curable. I have had an operation to fix one of the issues already. The second issue will likely cure itself. The third, which is my not caring about your suffering, I am told is natural and probably hereditary.

4. Sometimes, I make The Butler get up at all hours of the night just to play with me. Not only does it help tire me out so I can sleep for another hour or so, it also reminds me that I have him right where I want him (which is on payroll in a down economy).

5. I want a pony.

6. I enjoy the phrase “squeals of glee” almost as much as I like to squeal with glee. I practice my squeal with glee regularly. I use it to chase my security detail around the palace. It kind of freaks them out and I like that.

7. I WANT A PONY!!!

Breaking News! Terrorist Kidnapping Plot Foiled!!!

Don’t panic! The terrorist plot to kidnap me, The Duchess of Heckofalot, has been foiled. The bearded, fat, ringleader of the plot has been dealt with. 

Luckily, the ever-present paparazzi finally did something useful and were there to take pictures of the plot in action.

Here I am in the arms of the bearded fat man, screaming for my dear life!:

Here is The Princess, bravely swooping in and rescuing me:

It was a really close call. 

Now, let me tell you how we handle terrorists in Heckofalot…

We strip them of their clothes and wear them. The terrorists must parade around the public square naked. Everyone takes great humor in this. Especially me.

Let this be a lesson to all who might try to kidnap in Heckofalot again!

Big Holiday

It was some sort of big holiday yesterday in Heckofalot. I am not sure what it was but, based upon the costume The Butler and The Princess made me wear I am guessing it was…

Tropical Fruit Appreciation Day!

I did not know that Pumpkins were a tropical fruit. Did you? Well, now you do.

Royal Updates

Here is a report of some of the many Diplomatic Missions and other outing and events the Royal family (and it’s loyal staff) have recently attended…

The Princess, Butler and I attended something I think was called an Affair of State. Which I guess is different than having a State of Affairs but I am not sure how. Here is a picture of us at the Affair:

Maybe an Affair of State is differentiated by the fact that there are lots of animals. I enjoy animals very, very much. As you know, my security detail is made up of animals. We saw cows, and chickens, and goats.

We did not see sheep. But we saw horses. Here is something I did not know…

People can ride on them! Can you believe it? People… On… Horses! it was the most amazing thing I have ever  - EVER! - seen. If The Princess is reading this, here is my official request: I WANT A PONY!!! (kthxbai)

There are certain things we Royals must do in the name of diplomacy. Some of them make perfect sense. Other things are just plain silly.

See the Butler there? See him? I will make him pay for this…

Our Travels also took us to a magically place called Cancun in a far away land called Mexico.

I had a wonderful time despite a bad cold, the heat and the humidity which had me feeling a little bit cranky and did crazy things to my hair…

We were on vaction so I did not care. They of course put us in a luxurious suite overlooking the sea…

Here I am doing the requisite “pea check” on the bed…

Our days were filled to the brim with swimming…

Swimming…

and swimming…

I take swimming seriously and therefore forced The Butler to take me several times a day and out as far as possible.

When we were not swimming we hung out on the beach…

Took long walks on the beach…

And picked up things on the beach and touched them…

They had lots to offer. I even got to try some of the food…

The fresh fruit was really good but kind of messy. Not that it matters to me as I have staff that clean me up.

Of course, next to swimming, my other love is art…

I even like dour looking statues. I am open minded.

One last thing, here is where I get my big feet…