Duchess Beatrix

So, you have been granted land in Heckofalot…

As The Duchess of Heckofalot, I am often humbled by the gifts and complements that you, my loyal subjects, bestow upon me. Often, in order to show my gratitude, I grant “Parcels of Land” in my fair country of Heckofalot. There have been many questions about the rules and laws surrounding the Parcel grants. Therefore, I shall answer any questions worthy of doing so here:

• How big is a Parcel? It is as big as I have deemed it to be. Probably not as big as you wish it to be but it is exactly as big as you deserve.
• You may have serfs or indentured servants to work your land. Slavery is strictly outlawed in Heckofalot and no term of servitude shall last longer than either party wishes it (which, if you think about it, it not much different than a marriage).
• Fifty percent (50%) of all profits from your land must go to pay tax to The Crown (that’s me, and my mom I guess). Therefore, enslave wisely.

If you still have a question after reading this, then one of two things are true…

1. Your question was not worthy of my answering or…
2. You are not worthy of my response (i.e. you are a stupidhead).

Eating Etiquette in Heckofalot

When you are in Heckofalot, and you are invited to dinner, and you have a really good meal, and you want to show your host (and their chef) appreciation, the best way to do it is to spit a little of it back up. Yes, you read right. Don’t laugh.

See, some cultures simply burp loudly after a decent meal to show thanks and, while that may pass as a polite “it was OK” here in my country, if you spit a little of it back up along with that it says “Hell Yeah! That was a meal!” Those yummy food sacks The Princess feeds me from are some good eating, and then, when she pumps the food for me and lets The Butler give it to me in a bottle, well, it is just about as close to heaven as one can get in ones mouth. This is why, in the picture above, you see half my meal around my face.

Which brings me to another point… If you really want to share with the world how thankful you are for the meal you are served, don’t wipe your face. Wear the meal around for a while and let the world see how you eat from only the best yummy food sacks.

Sleep = Good

One thing I have discovered I really love… Sleep.

Here I am sleeping on The Princess…

  Here, I am in my royal bassinet…

Here I am sleeping on Elaine…

I even sometimes enjoy sleep on The Princess’s bed (as does The Butler!!!)…

In fact, I am asleep most of the time. The stupidheads say that this is normal for someone of my age and stature (i.e. I am the Duchess so I can spend my time however I want!).

It is not all I do of course. Sometimes I eat. Then I poop.

Palace Observations

The stupidheads at the hospital eventually agreed to let us go, so we are now finally at The Palace. What an amazing place this is. Here are some of my observations thus far:

• There is a menagerie of animals in the palace that are allowed to walk freely. Some of them think I am a baby animal so, when I cry, they go nuts.
• Since I am always being carried and, therefore, mainly look up, I can say, definitively, the the decorator has good taste in chandeliers and lighting fixtures.
• The Butler is magic. Sometimes, when I do not get enough to eat from the yummy food sacks, he makes milk spray from his pinky.
• The Princess and Butler tried to put me on a schedule without consulting me first. Therefore, I taught them a lesson by keeping them up the first night. They now understand that the world does, in fact, revolve around me.
• I have found that the Butler is a big fan of adjectives, adverbs and commas since he does all of the typing for me (you don’t honestly think a Duchess does her own typing do you?).

That is all… For now.

The Guy with The Princess

Is he the Prince or the Butler? I am having a hard time figuring out. This guy seems to be with the Princess in a family way, but his official duties seem more like that of a Butler.

Here are the reasons I think he is the Butler:

• He is always carrying things for The Princess. He never seems to like to let her carry anything herself.
• He is constantly asking The Princess if she needs anything. He retrieves it immediately and without question if she does.
• He arranges many of The Princess’s personal engagements. He seems to know intuitively when she is not welcoming visitors to The Court. He also knows which ones he still must for political reasons (The stupidheads for instance)
• He acts as a scribe in communicating mine and The Princesses health conditions to the outside world.
• He is the one that picks me up and gives me to The Princess and helps seat me in front of the big yummy food sacks.

Here are the reasons he could in fact be The Prince:

• Sometimes, when they think I am asleep, I think I hear them kiss.
• I also sometimes overhear them discussing official Court business.
• He is constantly asking The Princess if she needs anything. He retrieves it immediately and without question if she does.
• When he picks me up and gives me to The Princess and helps seat me in front of the big yummy food sacks, I think he is more interested in the yummy food sacks than I am.

Perhaps… Could it be… Is The Princess is having a “dalliance” with the Butler!?!? No, that can’t be. That would be scandalous! OK, OK… Deep breath… Deep Breath…

All Hail Beatrix, Duchess of Heckofalot

Hi. I am Beatrix Camille Gladhill Rhone, Duchess of Heckofalot, Potentate of Poop. I am not quite sure how I got here. As I remember it, one moment I was comfortable, the next, I was here. Mommy (The Princess) and Daddy (No official title that I can tell, but I suspect he is the Butler) tell me that Mommy was induced at about 11:30am on February 8th and labored with me for many hours through the night. She told me that it was very difficult and painful until they gave her the medicine. She says that the medicine helped a lot.

All I remember is that I kept feeling like I was getting squeezed through a very small passageway and, while I was certainly interested in the mystery of it all at first, after a while I got bored. I finally had to put my foot down, as it were, and say “I don’t care about your stupid passageway and, frankly, I am bored with this whole game and I am not moving another inch and I am Duchess Beatrix of Heckofalot so you can’t make me!!!” So, there I was. All night and into the next morning, I did not move for the stupidheads. I did not budge one centimeter. For six hours…

Then, the stupidheads played the dirtiest little trick. They opened up a big magic door at the top of the passageway and yanked me right on up and out. Februrary 9th at exactly 8:41am (I made sure I was taking notes so I could write this full report later). Can you believe that? The nerve. I was in such shock and horror over there blatant disrespect for the crown that I was speechless. I mean, I was such a mess and I was surrounded by all these stupidheads poking and prodding and wiping me off with towels and wrapping me up and shining hot bright lights on me like some peasants pie awaiting purchase. Don’t get me wrong. I mean no disrespect to Princess and her Butler but, you just can’t treat a member of the royal family this way. I let them know that. In no uncertain terms…

Eventually, after calming down and taking stock of my surroundings, I decided that this place was not too bad. After all, there are servants to cater to your every whim. All I have to do is snap my fingers or cry until I start turning blue and I can get what ever I want. Warm blankets. Pretty hats. Two big sacks of fresh food. Anything. Besides, this place has better art, if one can really call it that, then the last place. I mean, the avant guard expressionist study of the color red can get old no mater how comfortable one is. But I digress… My point is that I know the Princess and her Butler ( I certainly hope that is who he is because she is too pretty and smart to have “married down”) only mean the best for me and would not have brought me here otherwise. My safety, comfort and security are of the utmost importance. After all, I am the future ruler of all civilized people.

 You may bow now.