Duchess Beatrix

Oh, the places we have gone…

I would apologize for the lack of updates, but, I am a Duchess so I don’t have to! I am a very busy girl. As you will see, I have had lots of activities that have kept me away from keeping this blog thing up to date. Here are just a few of my recent events:

We have many holidays here in Heckofalot that you probably do not have in your lands. For instance, a few days ago it was Cross-Eyed, Funny-Hat Day.

I, of course, celebrated in grand style. We had such a good time. A little too good as it kind of tuckered me out…

…before we had to make an appearance at an official meeting of the Grand Lodge of Alt.Life.

I am not really sure what this Alt.Life organization is but they seem nice enough. I think they are like Freemasons, but for girls and without the funny handshakes. That being said, they would probably have a lot more fun if they wore funny hats and drove those small cars.

We have been going to lots of parties lately. Many of them held in my honor of course… This is one was held for us by a clandestine philanthropic society called “The Neighbors”. I think they are one of those organizations that secretly rule the world - like the Illuminati.

Their leader appears to be (you can never quite tell with these groups) a very nice lady called Judy…

They showered me with presents which The Princess and the butler took charge of opening them and being grateful for me…

Of course,The Princess and I are well experienced with holding court and thanking people for their continued patronage and respect of the crown…

Of course, many VIPs and dignitaries come directly to the palace to pay respects…

And those too far away and without the means to travel, often pay their respects via a special royal video communication service called iChat.

This special computer program is available only to agents of the crown and our intelligence services. One day, we may privatize it and make it available to all in Heckofalot.

Of all of the very fun things we have done over the past few weeks. Nothing is more enjoyable, or means more to me, than what I like to call “Sleepover Nights”. That is when me, The Princess and The Butler stay up until all hours at night. We take mudbaths and clean up after with a nice bath. I snack on the yummy food sacks for hours on end. We also play a game where we stare into each others eyes until someone blinks…

I always win…

Appointment of The Royal Clothiers

Yesterday, a gift was bestowed upon me by our loyal subjects and neighbors, Erika, Mark, Ella, Lucy, and Britta. The Princess reports they have a cottage just down the road from the castle. These fine clothes show the proper attention that should be paid to me.  

Please note the attention to detail and the fine craftsmanship. This kind of handywork is rare and reserved only for garments fit for royalty such as myself.

Needless to say, I am very pleased. As well as granting them 4 parcels of land in Heckofalot, I have bestowed upon them the title of Royal Clothier, and accompanying seal.  Look for it wherever you buy fine fashion.

So, you have been granted land in Heckofalot…

As The Duchess of Heckofalot, I am often humbled by the gifts and complements that you, my loyal subjects, bestow upon me. Often, in order to show my gratitude, I grant “Parcels of Land” in my fair country of Heckofalot. There have been many questions about the rules and laws surrounding the Parcel grants. Therefore, I shall answer any questions worthy of doing so here:

• How big is a Parcel? It is as big as I have deemed it to be. Probably not as big as you wish it to be but it is exactly as big as you deserve.
• You may have serfs or indentured servants to work your land. Slavery is strictly outlawed in Heckofalot and no term of servitude shall last longer than either party wishes it (which, if you think about it, it not much different than a marriage).
• Fifty percent (50%) of all profits from your land must go to pay tax to The Crown (that’s me, and my mom I guess). Therefore, enslave wisely.

If you still have a question after reading this, then one of two things are true…

1. Your question was not worthy of my answering or…
2. You are not worthy of my response (i.e. you are a stupidhead).

Eating Etiquette in Heckofalot

When you are in Heckofalot, and you are invited to dinner, and you have a really good meal, and you want to show your host (and their chef) appreciation, the best way to do it is to spit a little of it back up. Yes, you read right. Don’t laugh.

See, some cultures simply burp loudly after a decent meal to show thanks and, while that may pass as a polite “it was OK” here in my country, if you spit a little of it back up along with that it says “Hell Yeah! That was a meal!” Those yummy food sacks The Princess feeds me from are some good eating, and then, when she pumps the food for me and lets The Butler give it to me in a bottle, well, it is just about as close to heaven as one can get in ones mouth. This is why, in the picture above, you see half my meal around my face.

Which brings me to another point… If you really want to share with the world how thankful you are for the meal you are served, don’t wipe your face. Wear the meal around for a while and let the world see how you eat from only the best yummy food sacks.

Sleep = Good

One thing I have discovered I really love… Sleep.

Here I am sleeping on The Princess…

  Here, I am in my royal bassinet…

Here I am sleeping on Elaine…

I even sometimes enjoy sleep on The Princess’s bed (as does The Butler!!!)…

In fact, I am asleep most of the time. The stupidheads say that this is normal for someone of my age and stature (i.e. I am the Duchess so I can spend my time however I want!).

It is not all I do of course. Sometimes I eat. Then I poop.

Palace Observations

The stupidheads at the hospital eventually agreed to let us go, so we are now finally at The Palace. What an amazing place this is. Here are some of my observations thus far:

• There is a menagerie of animals in the palace that are allowed to walk freely. Some of them think I am a baby animal so, when I cry, they go nuts.
• Since I am always being carried and, therefore, mainly look up, I can say, definitively, the the decorator has good taste in chandeliers and lighting fixtures.
• The Butler is magic. Sometimes, when I do not get enough to eat from the yummy food sacks, he makes milk spray from his pinky.
• The Princess and Butler tried to put me on a schedule without consulting me first. Therefore, I taught them a lesson by keeping them up the first night. They now understand that the world does, in fact, revolve around me.
• I have found that the Butler is a big fan of adjectives, adverbs and commas since he does all of the typing for me (you don’t honestly think a Duchess does her own typing do you?).

That is all… For now.